As a man, there are a couple of basic things that I strive to deliver to my community and that I also recognize as a commonality in all men of intelligence who I have learned from.

1) Men of intelligence maintain a pristine environment so everything can be seen clearly. This means when someone brings confusion, discord, blame, etc into the space its immediately seen, understood fully, and then responded to. It’s not judged, belittled, or pushed under the rug — that’s the same old shit that un-intelligent men do — they ignore — which is one of the biggest travesties and lack of accountability I see.

2) When a man loves — he’s clarifying, seeing, and then exposing based on what the moment and the people he’s with requires. His love is always from a place of compassion and firmness and never from a place of harming. This style of love is not a woman’s style of love — its not meant to be, as that will burn a man out. His brand of love is from down low, penetrating, and meant to possibly feel sharp and cutting if need be or soft and gentle or all of it. It just depends on what he feels needs doing to clean things up.

A man’s love maybe confronting, challenging and uncomfortable — its meant to be that way and not diluted.

Here’s a little story from my life as an example that happened today.

I was over at my ex-wife’s house outside and I hear my 10-year old son screaming at her. I wait and give a chance to see if he can ground himself and he keeps screaming. I walk in, pause, I’m grounded and concerned and I look at him and ask in a firm voice “What’s happening?”

He’s quiet now and being seen and he knows it. Silence. I ask again “What’s happening?” He explains something and I listen and then I ask him ok “What’s really going on?” because he just gave me the superficial layer. My ex-wife starts talking and explains and I gently and firmly stop her and say I asked Quinn. She stops talking and I wait for Quinn to respond.

He has no good answer. He’s overtired so I expose that and then I say you’re wasting your energy screaming and its never going to get you anywhere and you’re jumping to conclusions with what your upset about. Take a step back and take care of yourself now and we can work the details out later when they are relevant.

I leave and I go back to what I’m working on across the street and 20 minutes later he shows up where I’m working and he says — “that really didn’t work when I was yelling — as soon as you walked in I realized I had a cramp from screaming.”

I said, “right, screaming never works and I’m sorry I taught you how to do that — you learned that from me when you were younger as that’s how I treated Mom and you saw me doing that (I don’t do this anymore of course) but you’re young enough now that you can unlearn that quickly.”

He took a pause as he realized that what he just did he had learned from me. I then saw him realize that its ok to expose himself because I just did it in a matter-of-fact, clear way. And the reason I exposed myself was to give him footing to stand on so he’s not being overwhelmed by some unconscious thing that was my unconsciousness that he received to begin with.

I stopped the cycle by exposing everything and he felt it clearly without anything more said.

I gave him a hug and he went off to dinner much more calm and relaxed.

When a man exposes you and it brings feelings up that hit the truth that’s beautiful.

Recognize and discern there is a huge difference between a man berating and abusing vs a man exposing. It’s NOT ok for him to berate or abuse you that’s un-intelligence, immaturity, and un-groundedness — no healing can come of it. That needs to be shut down immediately. No tolerance for that whatsoever. If he’s coming from a place of conscious or unconscious harming then that is NOT ok and needs to be called out immediately. That is lack of accountability.

On the flip side — someone unwilling to be exposed by a man because it hits the truth so precisely and brings so much up that its too difficult to look at and so the person immediately turns the exposure to blame and labels the man as just another “toxic masculine figure” is hurting themselves and damaging the community. Its not ok to blame someone for your blind spot and avoid taking responsibility — this needs to be called out immediately. This also is lack of accountability.

One of the most valuable ways a man is showing you he cares and loves for you is seeing you and exposing you so balance and peace return to your body and environment.

It’s real love when the man is grounded, clarified, and safe enough for this exposure to be received by you where there’s no other way but for you to show up in a different way in your Life. Sometimes this is painful.

It means you have to change and maybe begin to heal what’s been stuck.

If you have been exposed, it means you were living a fantasy in the past and now you can come back to Earth and connect more to yourself and everyone.

A man’s healthy Love is a gift and is actually nourishment if you can receive it.

Love and Firmness,

Neil


Quinn, Me, and Our Two Milking Cows – Viroqua, Wisconsin – 2015